Shidduchim Are Zooming
Enter Corona 2020. Perhaps the first thought that came to my mind, amongst a myriad of primarily "what ifs," is what will be with my shidduchim? Lockdown for an indefinite period? Dating on a pseudo standstill? All while it's Pesach vacation/bein hazmanim nonetheless. But like all "yeshuas Hashem kaheref ayin," all this changed in one WhatsApp ping.
Mrs. Lisa Elefant, the spearhead of the Adopt a Shadchan organization, is so forward-thinking. It's not for nothing that I as a single feel so comfortable to reach out, and not just to say, "Hi, remember me, I'm still available" but to bounce ideas off Mrs. Elefant. There's an approachability in discussing new opportunities - not merely to ride but to harness the shidduch waves. When Lisa reached out and asked if I'd be open to joining a shidduch chat of hashkaficalaly/like-minded singles who would meet each other in groups over Zoom, I was hesitant to join this new platform of shidduch dating. (Dating is complicated enough, throw in some bad lighting, and weak WIFI and things would get interesting.) But like my peers, there was an innate trust, and I was game.
What transpired is the idea to pair five girls, five boys, and have a moderated discussion. Once we all got to know each other in a group setting, we would get to know each other better via 1:1. Lisa recognized our eagerness and motivation as a group and decided to bring in top speakers and dating coaches to facilitate group discussions. Additionally, one of the singles themselves initiated roundtable discussions amongst the group, where we would hash out issues/taboo topics within shidduchim; this became a weekly highlight.
The ability to meet in a group setting via Zoom is an idea that has been a long time coming. However, because of everyday scheduling, this was never reasonably feasible. When was the last time a bunch of singles was more or less on the same schedule and able to meet over two weeks at the same time for consecutive evenings? Zoom is so novel because this is an excellent opportunity for personalities and yichus atzmo to be front and center versus resumes and pictures.
I gleaned real insight when I reached out to Lisa for a routine schmooze, always a fave 1:1 by far to date :) She stressed that the hesitation was mutual. "I couldn't understand how something like this could work. But the real validation came once we had an engagement, then we moved forward full force, with more groups forming for different age brackets and backgrounds. Other shadchanim started joining the various groups, so there is shadchan T.L.C. for each chat; this is an added benefit to the singles to meet these new shadchanim as well." I wondered though, what prompted the pivot to Zoom, why not phone dates or even yes, maybe it is healthy to take an imposed shidduch break. I'm sure this was thought of as well. "I'm the administrator of a big chat of 120 shadchanim. And when this all started amidst the Coronavirus crisis, I got a call from someone prominent within the community. He stressed, "you have to understand that it wouldn't be responsible for you to redt shidduchim right now, because of the current climate. So I hope you understand there's a lockdown on redting shidduchim." He implied that the active shadchan chat should take a hiatus. For the first few minutes, I contemplated what he said, and thought he was right. But I had a difficult time accepting that Hashem would mean for people's dating and Simchas to be on a standstill. I was feeling for my singles. Not only could they not go out, but ideas wouldn't even be generating for them. Pesach was around the corner as well, which is always a double-hard time for a single. As these were painful thoughts and struck me very strongly, I davened for clarity.
As my kids were in the kitchen on Zoom with their yeshiva, it hit me. “If Zoom can be adapted for school, it can be used to facilitate shidduchim."
Lisa wanted to tackle all the kinks from the get-go. She knew the ability to keep the momentum going when we are restricted or limited from meeting in-person would be an issue. This is where the engaging shiurim that prompt thought discussions were so beneficial. In addition to helping the singles learn how to focus on getting to know each other while restricting the Zoom fatigue, minus the physical component, we're trying to keep the 1:1 Zoom dating as much in line with a mainstream date.
From a technological standpoint, there was a huge learning curve as well (have you ever even heard of Zoom before this quarantine?) I reached out to our resident Admin, and Tech Guru and inquired about the behind-the-scenes.
"Everything! Making lists of people, keeping them organized, figuring out a system where groups rotate around each other, sorting people (over 100!) flawlessly into "Breakout Rooms" within Zoom. Coordinating with people who don't show up last minute (remember, it's virtual)—often dealing with bad Wifi, lighting. One glitch, and you have 100+ people waiting for you in the main Zoom room. Arranging speakers, roundtable discussions, Zoom 1:1 dates; you need to be organized and on your A-game. Technology waits for no one."
An added component of the quality connections is within the groups themselves. The five girls and guys within each group bonded. Because the groups were kept the same each night, we all bonded in a very close way. All of us come from different professional backgrounds and this lent an incredible opportunity to network. Connections are so valuable, single, or otherwise. This only would have happened in this type of scenario, when everyone is home, on the same schedule. Girls from Toronto, Chicago, L.A., Vancouver, who wouldn't otherwise have an opportunity to date right now are busier than ever. There are so many new names, new faces, new opportunities. And people are amiable to give this a shot.
“For out of town dating, this should take away the "I don't want to fly to meet" component. It should become more accepted, and mainstream to Zoom someone and I think people will be more optimistic about it. Especially for the older singles; while a Zoom date does not replace dating in person, it can be used as an excellent springboard to get a couple motivated to start a productive dating relationship.”
By now, there is a myriad of A.A.S. 2.0 Zoom Groups like us, but I feel privileged to have been on the beta round. This was uncharted territory for all of us. The nature of this whole experience has created a comfortable environment where we each as individuals, not just as singles, feel comfortable to open up and share in a way that exposes our authentic selves; versus the more glorified persona illustrated on a resume, or the often inaccurate first impressions that present on actual speed-dates.
Shadchanim have reached out to Mrs. Elefant in pursuit of recreating this new hub, and although there's a model in place, it's not a turn-key prototype. Because as Lisa will stress, it all boils down to her singles, their character, and their mindset.
As a group, we've discussed the benefits of this style of dating (pitfalls as well), and as a whole, we know the system can't be changed; after all, we're just a group of 100+ singles.
Moving forward as a group, we recognize that we can all reach out to our shadchanim and implement our standards- whether it's a guy being transparent and telling a shadchan "I'm looking into someone right now, so for the time being I'd appreciate if you didn't send me new resumes" or both a girl and guy being more upfront with each other in terms of where they see a shidduch progressing, or even the nature of the process; should both parties be redt to and look into each other at the same time? All these ideas, like Zoom dating, are novel- but a necessary "evil," so to speak. For the first time, many have found a sense of fulfillment in the shidduch system, as there is a more profound sense of integrity and mutual understanding across the broader process.
No one asked for this quarantine, but if anything good has come out of it (besides for a few very tachlis Zoom dates and the first engagement b" h, "Their engagement was a sign right away that facilitating these Zoom sessions in an organized and controlled way can work." Our first l'chaim was over Zoom. Cocktails, anyone"?), perhaps it's to glean a more realistic perspective in the way singles can interact and vouch for each other.
I gleaned the most chizzuk from this takeaway at the end of my conversation with Lisa when I inquired about her barometer and how she is keeping sane and her head from 'Zooming'?
"Hashem is giving me strength. My husband and family are incredibly supportive. They see how fantastic this initiative is, and they want to be part of it. As much as I am doing for you, I feel I am getting as much satisfaction back. These singles will not date the same. Halevi girls/guys walk away with their bashert, but the way they approach dating and shidduchim will not be the same. We're learning to create better relationships both between singles and shadchanim, and both are getting a glimpse into each other's worlds.
"Joining Coed-19, Lisa Elefant's Zoom dating group, seemed like a nice idea at the outset of the pandemic. Conventional dating had ceased indefinitely as social distancing and shelter-in-place requirements made meeting in person all but impossible (at least for many). My experience with the group over the past two months has been overwhelmingly positive and eye-opening, greatly exceeding my expectations and prompting me to consider Zoom dating as a practical (and fun) go-forward option for myself and the frum community at large. Kudos to Lisa for recognizing a need and adapting quickly." -M.S.J. (Monsey)
When COVID-19 hit the states, everything seemed to turn upside down. Children in schools and people at their jobs turned to online platforms to complete tasks. Everyone was stuck at home.
What many weren't thinking about was how this would affect the singles who were longing to find their match. Thankfully, Lisa Elefant and her A.A.S. crew rose to the occasion. Instead of putting life on hold, Lisa created a group for singles to capitalize on the new norm of life-on-Zoom. We used COVID as an opportunity to transcend barriers and to restructure the shidduch world. We bypassed red tape that would have taken years to remove.
I've been able to meet so many phenomenal girls from the comfort of my own home in a relaxed environment. There has been no need to clean my car, get all dressed up, drive to the girl and back, pay for expensive dates, worry about who to say yes to, and so on. We meet each other in a relaxed, but structured, online environment. There is no need to do extensive research on girls and then wait a few days for a yes or no. It's as easy as clicking a button. The "just give it a date" line is so much more realistic than it was six months ago.
On a regular date, we spend so much time planning and preparing that we often don't focus as much as we should on the girl herself. With this new method, we click a button, and the only thing there is to focus on is the person on the other side of the camera.
Aside from the standard Zoom dates, we have also been playing games on Zoom, and have been having roundtable discussions on pressing issues in the shidduch world. You can learn so much about a person by hearing their perspective on these topics, and by seeing how they interact with others in a group setting. We are quickly seeing sides of people that would ordinarily take 5-6 dates to bring out. It's truly amazing.
I don't believe this will completely take over traditional dating, but there is no doubt that this method of dating has a great place in the future of shidduchim. Enough with the red tape, enough with doing things because it's always been done that way. I'm looking forward to seeing shidduchim change for the better with the lessons we learned from COVID. -M.V. (Queens)
When I was approached after Purim to participate in Zoom dates, I wasn't sure what to think, to be honest. It's unconventional, a little awkward, and at the time, everyone was just hoping for a quick quarantine and to get right back to dating.
Fast forward two months: we're still in quarantine, but the Zoom dating experience has been pleasantly surprising. Is it unconventional? Sure. But the whole world is unconventional right now. Is it a little awkward? Sure. But the world as a whole is a bit awkward right now. Singles are more open to agreeing to date on Facetime/Zoom, singles are less anxious to end a relationship on Facetime/Zoom, and singles are just more relaxed in general on Facetime/Zoom.
Steve Jobs once said, "innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower." When it comes to shadchanim, Lisa Elefant is a true leader. She was innovative when others were baffled. She played chess while others played checkers. And thanks to her, during a lockdown and a time of considerable uncertainty, dates have been arranged, engagements have happened, and the future doesn't look so bleak. Thank you, Lisa. You crushed this. -S.W. (Brooklyn)
"With the whole world crashing back in March as a result of the pandemic and mandatory quarantine rules, I figured I had nothing to lose by accepting an invitation to participate in an organized Zoom dating program. Since then, however, I have come to appreciate the many unforeseen benefits of online shidduch-dating, including, among other things, increased exposure to other singles across the country and flexibility with respect to dating schedules. Given my positive experience, I believe we can and should continue such programs during the post-pandemic period." -M.J. (New York)
"When quarantine started, we singles realized it would be many months until we could get back into dating, and our goal of getting married was pushed to the wayside yet again.
Boy were we wrong. Zooming, and being a part of Coed-19, has given us chizuk and introduced so many people we wouldn't necessarily have the chance to meet. The world has been shaken but we found purpose through this group. We've made friends, we've davened together and for each other. We've met potential matches, thought of ideas for others, kept each other sane, and restored the hope that no matter how many people you have met in the past, there are always more. Don't give up, your prince or princess is somewhere nearby!
Zooming may be awkward and not up your alley, but until normalcy returns - open up your heart and your mind to something different. The results just might surprise you." -A.W. (Toronto)
“Me? Dating on Zoom? Yeah right.
Those were my initial thoughts when Zoom dating surfaced. A plethora of doubts and hesitations rushed through my head, slowly overburdening my optimistic side completely. Time slowly passed, and the feeling of "being stuck" in the shidduch world took over. Now what? However, as Zoom dating became more of the norm, the optimistic side of me slowly picked itself up and started to realize, this is possible. This can work. The perk of casually meeting others in a less tense environment has made me a more confident dater. This is an incredible opportunity to focus on the true meaning behind dating, thus making the future occasions that much more tangible that iy" H at the right time, will produce many Simchos (as B.H., we have seen already!)” -N.B. (Flatbush)
Sign up to Adopt A Shadchan Here
