Open Heart "Surgery" AKA the Singles Shabbaton
First off, don't get scared by the title; this is a Rosé piece; for us, here, if I wanted dramatic backlash, I would send it for circulation elsewhere, and #aintnobodygottimeforthat.
I'm the type of person that is open to trying things once; if it's for me, great; if not, I tried and ownward. This is how I felt about Zoom Dating #veteran, and now once the quarantine guidelines have lifted, this is my take on the singles Shabbaton.
Targeted singles Shabbaton is what I mean. To give context, I'm talking about smaller groups of singles for a Shabbaton, e.g., 20/20 or 12/12, versus a "Camp-like Shabbaton" where you meet everyone and no one. We're talking cozy enough to remember each other's names by the end of the Shabbos, and not because they were the "it" boy.
Okay, let's discuss this first; there's always an "it boy." As my friend, Leah would joke- and use my verbiage, he is gelungin and has schmeichel, he carries the suave air about him that post shabbos you want to make the "so who is getting your first impression rose" joke.
If this were a filmed reality TV show, there would be other staple characters; the "girls who understand the assignment," and I mean this in a loving girlcode way. These are the girls who know how to be engaging that the guys feel comfortable approaching them yet demure enough not to be overt. They get it, and frankly me and my friends sometimes sit and watch them in action; at least we're getting an education ;)
Hosting a networking Shabbos isn't a turnkey prototype; the different personalities will always add a new dynamic, but specific "props" will contribute to it being a success.
The ambiance is everything - Whether you're putting singles up in other people's homes or hosting them in a 12-bedroom estate (girls and guys separate, of course, the guys stayed in a "lesser mansion" while the princesses were very apropos hosted in the palace).
It makes a difference- coming out is vulnerable, and accommodations make it so much more bekavodig to feel special and wanted. Note how I said wanted, e.g., nothing wrong with being put up in someone's basement or joining a large family for a shabbos seudah; in fact, this is just as cozy and encouraged- but my takeaway is that so long as the host/house is warm, welcoming and willing- the guest feels it, so when I say ambiance I don't necessarily mean the grandiose chandelier in the sitting room. However, that does lend to a conversation when there is a lull…
Food - Food plays a huge role, and I've seen it go either way- hosts can prepare an abundance of varied foods as well as the classics- so long as the vibe is good, the food will get circulated and keeps things moving along; breaking bread is so dual. Interesting to note is that singles don't seem to eat, perhaps the post-meal private Shabbos party stash yes (go figure :) but at the meal itself, no one is gorging, it's helpful to keep the menu standard and inviting.
Divrei Torah - Nothing breaks the ice as much as a clever dating joke tied into the divrei Torah du jour- it keeps things light and in perspective, also it opens up the floor for any brave guys to add their profound or less-so quips, which leads to conversation amongst the youngins…
Shadchanim in attendance- Shadchanim are people! Not hovering figures that are judging the canoodlers! #goals ;)...it is so helpful to have couples who have been there done that, and lend that realness to the conversations; I've had shadchanim regal their shidduch story to me, that they as a couple was redt three times, it never went, then after meeting at a Shabbos seudah, it clicked (I think he asked her for the gefilte fish and she passed him the salmon and told him "don't worry you'll like it," the rest is history ;). Regarding children in attendance, I think if feasible, they should take as much backstage/kids’ table as possible only because this allows the singles to take pseudo center stage, and the conversation is more open and "adult."
Games/speed dating activity- I've never been one for games; we like to keep things more direct- but…once again, I stand so corrected. Games are a great way to interact as a group. This allows singles to join a specific "chevra because someone they want to speak to is playing" without it being too obvious and continuing the seeing, if it's for me, nonverbal conversation.
Apples to apples is a great way to see people's perspectives while keeping things light.
Conversation- this can be adjusted per meal versus an entire Shabbos, but if you see a specific couple trying to speak to each other one-on-one, try to facilitate an organic 1:1, e.g., ask them to bring in something from the kitchen or post the meal have an impromptu speed date (for a Shabbaton) not for a meal, or if your gut tells you maybe encourage…
Walks ;)- The classic chivalry, "Can I walk you," is not dead walk. If a guy is bold, he'll ask a girl on his own if she would like to be walked to her host, but if you feel a potential couple could use a boost- feel free to play shadchan and encourage specific couples to walk each other.
Downtime: This is to the singles! It is hard to be "on" for an extended seudah and entire Shabbos- make sure you take that time to recharge and check in with yours truly- go to your room, read a bit, say Tehillim in a quiet corner, eat some kokosh privately, nap! This will permit you time to refresh and recharge those social batteries.
The act of coming out for a shabbos and being open to the potential of meeting someone Friday night, not necessarily clicking, but by Shalosh Seudos when you’ve seen more dimensions to the person and you’ve connected, you have opened your heart to the possibility. And that's how this title came to be. When we amused our friend Esther W. with the whole shabbos shpiel; she was like, this is akin to open-heart surgery!
After Zoom dating, I didn't think we could up the ante. Zoom's concept was fast, innovative and necessary for the Covid/Quarantine time. Still, now that we can meet again in person, I can't tell you how efficient a Shabbos meal + a Shabbaton is to meet and network fellow singles in a comfortable and secure setting. + It's not a huge "investment," everyone shabboses anyway- by the time you come home, we're all pumpkins again, back to the daily routine.
Major shoutout to Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Basch, Mrs. Halon, Mrs. Sarebrowski, Mrs. Ehrman, for initially showing me how it's done, and of course, Mrs. Elefant. and the crew for initiating the upcoming global vision…AAS X BMG (Be My Guest), you can sign up here
