The Search Is On

Flashback: to the search…

So you want someone haymish the shadchan notes at me pointedly. I roll my eyes (in the most eidel way) yes heimish I respond. But not in Levush, in background and character. Oh so like he went to a chasidishly inclined mesivta? Not necessarily...or that his parents come from chasidish stock in the alte heim? Mhmm no that’s not a must either- what about minhagim than- those should be of chasidish origin, yes? Then I think of my litvish friends and their stringencies; no minhagim I’m fine with either way. The shadchan gives me that exasperated drawl...so then shayne maidel what do you mean by Heimish!

I fidget in the oversized arm chair- it’s like kokosh cake...When he says are you hungry I want him to imply a nice gezinta slice of kokosh cake or a full bag of honey cookies. Something breighte! So you don’t want someone cheap the shadchan notes, yes correct.

And with cars and opening doors. I want someone who personifies what you see is what you get- not someone who does things just for show- my grandmother often tells us about her ziggakimminer sister-in-law Great Tante Esther and how she keeps cobalt dishes in the China closet, but they're fake. I shudder. So you don’t want someone that portrays a false perception of reality? Yes, precisely.

What about his commitment to learning, are you looking for someone who is machshiv torah several times daily berabbim or more of a daf yomi shiur/biyichidus type? Hmm...My grandfather always said that at the end of the day a man's job should be in his profession but his work should always be in ameilus batorah- so I am fine with someone who is already pursuing a job and is committed to his learning daily. After all a fisherman doesn't just buy his wife pearls from nowhere, but through his job at sea, #amIright?The shadchan kind of arches one brow while taking a gazinte swig of her by now cold hot coffee. So you’re expecting pearls. I see…

Like many a good story, I’ll start from the ending and work my way back. I get a Mazal Tov!

And my chosson is more “shayich” than I could've scripted for myself, had hashem really listened to me daven for what I want versus what I need.

I was encouraged to keep a journal during this parsha. For reflection, assessment and clarity. Or as my sister thanks me for- for stamm entertainment, after all, it's always nice to learn through someone else's story. And apparently I wanted stories. A trilogy even. “Adventures in Shidduchim” volumes I, II, III, IV, V.

InItially, I flip through the pages and it’s with an underlying calm, content glow- but as I sit in the basement, in the same chair that I penned many a “Dear Rifky Date #4 Yerachmiel G…” the emotions return. Some of these are of sheer relief, intermingled with the joy of clarity. Like how could I of thought he was shayich? We were completely incompatible, now even more so when you see who we are each engaged to, respectively. I flip a few more pages and come to Pinny M., wow he was a really great guy, wasn't shayich, but maybe he’d be good for… I make a mental note to call the shadchan who redt it, and suggest Pinny for my friend Fraidy, they would be very “the type”, interesting how I didn’t think of this before…?

I come across Simcha. Let’s just say that if names are an indication, his foretold the opposite. After him, I knew what it meant to look for someone with a “simchas hachaim.”

Dovid L. sigh, he said no after the second date, nothing to be heartbroken over, but it definitely seemed out of left field on my end (as it usually does seem when one party is more interested and the other just doesn't see it.)

There’s Yisrael’s page all dog eared. The way it came about for us to meet was so roundabout, by default it seemed like this was it…again, hindsight.

Moshe L. He was parve in the sweetest way, like one of those three first dates that all seemed like a first (not the magical kind of first) but his middos were stirling, that was clear. Hmm maybe him for Shira?

Flipping through a few more creased pages; now as a neat bundle of notebook it seems like I met my fair share, but then I remember the feeling as well. Those dry spells, sometimes months passed without a suggestion coming to fruition. Then, of course, there were those few times that I was miss congeniality #murphyslaw.

I think about the shadchanim, who were on this journey together with me- they were so invested in making things go smoothly. I want to call each one and share the good news, and express my hakaras hatov; for their hishtadlus on my behalf. If I were in their shoes, I don't know if I would've been so gracious. The energy of a shidduch is two-fold, for the couple meeting and the other party involved, specifically the shadchan; and when a couple does meet and one party decides for whatever reason it's not shayich to continue, the shadchanim have a hard task. It's a tread. Again so gracious. At least a personal email will do for now.

A few more page turns...some dead on arrivals - (he said it not me ;) Elchonon, Eli, Ezra. (I’m sensing an E theme.) All part of the process.

The feelings resurface. Anxiety, fear that it’ll never just be the “right one” to walk through the door. I was waiting to give myself the proverbial thumbs up, take a leap because this is IT.

I think about the friends I was fortunate to make- legitimately not a single dating excursion did I come out alone, always made a few quality #girlfriends. Breindy…Elisheva, how did we meet? Right, you suggested I go out with Ezra, then I said we did already and I thought of Eli for you. Both of us were like wow, super #ontarget. By the end of the night, we realized we overlapped with at least 5 guys…and had a good sisterhood moment.

While I was in the throes, everyone, especially my mother would convince me to make the most of this time, because one day it will happen and this period of connection and growth, is something I will come to cherish. I wish I told myself to relax, and be “chill.”

Probably my biggest regret is approaching this whole journey in a can I marry the person mind frame, instead of really going through it date by date. And actually enjoying the process-learning to let go in the most feminine, emunah way* ty Raquel Betesh for holding my hand throughout.

This is the story that I know the proverbial hindsight /hashgacha. But so much of the bigger picture I don’t. Every time I knew I was being redt, and never heard back, when my resume was passed through the right shliach at just the right time, the suggestions that I did get a yes from but weren’t shayich on my end. It all happened for a reason. I feel like this is the shidduch version of Goodnight Moon.

Thank you shadchanim

Thank you, family friends,

Thank you, parents, for always, always being my true advocates

And foremost Thank you, Hashem

In Honor & Simcha of YYDL 🩵